Breaking Barriers: Dan’s Journey to Emotional Growth

Dan, an agricultural scientist, had recently been diagnosed with ADHD. He was tall, with a slightly muscular build and a long beard. As he settled onto the couch, I noticed he avoided making eye contact. Instead, his gaze wandered around my office, and he complimented the paintings on the wall. I could sense the discomfort he felt simply being in the room. Acknowledging his courage, I began the session by saying, “It takes a lot of strength to come into therapy, Dan. I want to congratulate you on taking this first step.”

“Well, I had no choice,” Dan replied. “My wife said if I didn’t do this, she would end our marriage of 28 years. I don’t want to lose her and my two beautiful children. That’s why I’m here.” He spoke while looking down at the floor, still avoiding eye contact. I could sense the shame he carried.

“What’s been going on, Dan?” I asked gently. He took a deep breath before beginning to share his story. Dan described growing up in a household with religious orthodox parents who upheld strict, traditional values. His father, the breadwinner, was a disciplinarian with high expectations, while his mother was a homemaker. As their only child, Dan felt immense pressure to meet their standards but rarely received praise or kindness. “Criticism was their way of showing love,” he said. “It was the only way they knew how to express it.”

While Dan excelled professionally as an adult, his personal life was unravelling. He revealed that when his wife asked him to help around the house or with the children, he felt overwhelmed and interpreted her requests as criticism. These feelings often triggered reactive and explosive behaviors, leading to frequent fights. Over time, the stress pushed him toward drinking as a coping mechanism to numb his emotions. “I couldn’t be present with my children,” he admitted. “Even when I was with them, my mind was consumed by thoughts and worries. I felt disconnected from them and my wife. Despite having a family, I felt completely alone.”

Dan’s voice trembled as he continued. “I don’t want to live like this anymore. I’m exhausted from the fights, the constant anger in my chest, and the loneliness I’m always trying to escape. I just want to be happy.”

Dan’s sincerity and willingness to change were evident. He committed to a 20-week group therapy program while attending fortnightly individual sessions for six months. Through these sessions, Dan confronted his deep-seated shame, explored the origins of his emotional patterns, and learned practical strategies to manage his ADHD and emotional reactivity.

Toward the end of the group program, I checked in with Dan about his progress. “Honestly,” he said, “I didn’t think it was possible, but I actually feel different. I enjoy spending time with my children now. I can be present with them instead of being caught up in my own mind. I’ve learned to appreciate and love them fully, in a way I always wanted to feel loved as a child. And when I show up for them like that, I feel proud.”

Dan continued, “I’ve also learned to recognize when I’m getting caught up in my emotions. Instead of reacting in the moment, I can step away and regain control. I’ve realized it wasn’t my environment that was stressful; it was my interpretation of those situations that caused my suffering.”

Dan’s journey is a powerful reminder of the courage it takes for men to seek help, especially in a society that often stigmatizes emotional vulnerability. For Dan, therapy was not just about learning new skills but also about challenging deeply ingrained beliefs about himself and his role in his relationships. He faced his shame head-on and emerged stronger, more connected, and more fulfilled.

Working with men like Dan highlights the transformative potential of therapy. It’s a process that requires courage, resilience, and vulnerability. While the journey may be challenging, it offers an opportunity to heal and grow in ways that create lasting change. To any man considering therapy, I would say this: seeking help is not a sign of weakness—it is one of the bravest steps you can take toward becoming the best version of yourself.